Your mouth is God's brothel.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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