I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
