i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Soap is not a condiment
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
