how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
