My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
