I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
