Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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