You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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