Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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