I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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