my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
