Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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