we're chasing vodka with high fives
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
