News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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