genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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