He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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