I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
im about as happy as oj after his trial
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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