i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
