i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
