I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
