if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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