I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You're like the curious george of whores
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
