I just pynch a tree in the face
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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