I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
