did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
