If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
