The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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