What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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