I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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