Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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