I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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