Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
