he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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