But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
