So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
