I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
