Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
