I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
