I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
