Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Randomize
