come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
