So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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