I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How external is "for external use only"?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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