around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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