I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
