please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
