Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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