Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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