Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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