So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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